lisbet (aidenraine) wrote,

  • Mood:

The May Queen

Every year I make fun of New Year's Resolutions and how quickly people flake out on them. This year, as I am feeling more thoughtful and quiet (I blame my ongoing insomnia) I think I may make some. They are:

-Work on curbing my competitive nature, as it is the root of the majority of my suffering.
-No more complaining about my apartment or neighborhood.

I had an epiphany at around 4 in the morning one night, while I was sitting at my parents' table. I was drinking warm milk with nutmeg (warm milk grosses me out except when I am having sleeping issues.) It was dark in a quiet, semi-rural way. I was looking at the Christmas lights still on in the windows of the house across the street.

I'm not sure how to verbalize what I thought, but it was a kind of calm about being 29, about being me, about settling into a comfort with myself. Instead of worrying about everything to the point of making myself sick I just sort of decided to silence the useless chatter and follow my heart. I followed my heart to Chicago and I've been warring against my own decision ever since because it hasn't matched the notion I had of how it would be.

I keep making appointments with anyone who would hear me out and asking the same terrified questions. The looks of confusion were as consistent as the answers.

Now if I can stop having vicious panic attacks every time I get into bed.
(It's not as though I have no reason to be freaked.)
Tags: brain, school

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