lisbet (aidenraine) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Grad School ramble

Hm. It seems like grad school (at least here) is about breaking down one's ego, and, ideally, then rebuilding it over time.

The initial loss is kind of brutal though... and for me in this temporary program, starting with a broken down intellectual ego, it's going to be like being walked out on in the middle of a therapy appointment.

My courses, and in fact most things around here, are divided into two categories: 1. Things that make me feel smart and 2. Things that make me feel dumb.

Art history class makes me feel smart. Žižek class makes me feel dumb. Ethnographic Methods made me feel gleeful, but absolutely uncertain about where I stood. This week, it makes me feel like ... well, neither smart nor dumb, just -wrong-. Like i thought I spoke a language fluently and it turns out nobody understood me all along. Thesis proposal workshop makes me feel smart or dumb at completely random intervals. Mostly smart.

It's irrelevant to think about these things, I realize... I work as hard as I can. Feeling smart, feeling dumb... neither change the actual fact of my intelligence (or lack thereof). (Using the phrase "X makes me feel Y" is telling to me, as of course I choose to feel Y.)

It's just that for me it seems like academia has been a confusing cycle of either vastly over or underestimating myself. As a result I have just a ? left where my professional self-image should be.

Ha... this song rocks.
Tags: school

  • Things happen for a reason

    So, one of my big core operating beliefs in the world is that everything happens the way it's supposed to- miserable, awful things even. There's…

  • Alone with my thoughts

    So I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize this, but unless I have work to do, I hate to be left alone in the evenings. The more I think…

  • I'm not popular, but I'm complicated

    Huh.... I guess I am done my coursework for this quarter of MAPSS. I don't have the feeling of triumph and victory that I will eventually have when…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded