lisbet (aidenraine) wrote,

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Grad School ramble

Hm. It seems like grad school (at least here) is about breaking down one's ego, and, ideally, then rebuilding it over time.

The initial loss is kind of brutal though... and for me in this temporary program, starting with a broken down intellectual ego, it's going to be like being walked out on in the middle of a therapy appointment.

My courses, and in fact most things around here, are divided into two categories: 1. Things that make me feel smart and 2. Things that make me feel dumb.

Art history class makes me feel smart. Žižek class makes me feel dumb. Ethnographic Methods made me feel gleeful, but absolutely uncertain about where I stood. This week, it makes me feel like ... well, neither smart nor dumb, just -wrong-. Like i thought I spoke a language fluently and it turns out nobody understood me all along. Thesis proposal workshop makes me feel smart or dumb at completely random intervals. Mostly smart.

It's irrelevant to think about these things, I realize... I work as hard as I can. Feeling smart, feeling dumb... neither change the actual fact of my intelligence (or lack thereof). (Using the phrase "X makes me feel Y" is telling to me, as of course I choose to feel Y.)

It's just that for me it seems like academia has been a confusing cycle of either vastly over or underestimating myself. As a result I have just a ? left where my professional self-image should be.

Ha... this song rocks.
Tags: school

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